Friday, February 17, 2017

But I Gotta Keep an Eye Out for Selener

I will start by saying, for your reference, that despite an extensive musical education and the fact that I should absolutely know better, I am a slave to pop music. I have some very talented musician friends who care about things like artistic integrity and are probably going to disown me after reading this. I am also married to a man who is unable to ignore lyrics for the sake of a catchy beat, but lucky for me he made a promise in front of God and all our friends and family to love me in sickness, health and poor taste. Am I aware that I'm ten to fifteen years older than the target demographic for this genre of music? Yes. Thanks for pointing that out. Am I offended by many of the lyrics as a woman and human being? Yes. In fact I went so far as to start a Twitter account specifically to shed light on the overtly sexist messages we consume on a daily basis through pop music, but as it turns out I don't have the energy to be an outspoken feminist and I lost steam after like two posts. (Okay but Bruno Mars' lyrics in 24K Magic - Why you mad /Fix your face /Ain't my fault they all be jockin' COME ON PEOPLE WE CAN DO BETTER.)

That being said, let's talk about Selena Gomez. Clearly, she is a beautiful young woman. I find her quite funny in interviews and the couple of movies I've seen her in. She seems like a lovely person.

But a great singer she is not. 

The fact that someone with a just-okayish voice could have a lucrative music career is fascinating to me. Think about the thousands of people who try out for the singing competition shows every year. So many super talented singers don't even make it past the first round of interns, much less to the judges. 

(This is mostly conjecture since I haven't actually been able to bring myself to watch one of these shows since the first season of American Idol. Watching people embarrass themselves on national television actually causes me physical discomfort -- which is also why I can't watch America's Funniest Home Videos. I mean, no judgment - if watching a bunch of dads getting repeatedly kicked in the nuts is your thing, by all means, do you.)

My point is, there is no shortage of vocal talent in this country, but everyone knows it's practically impossible to make a successful career out of it. 

Unless you're Selena Gomez. Just getting paid an exorbitant amount of money to barely carry a tune.

This is how I imagine it happened:

Producer #1: "I got a new hit pop song but we need a singer."

Producer #2: "How about Selena Gomez?"

Producer #1: "I don't know - she doesn't have a very good voice."

Producer #2: "I don't care - I literally just need a human female voice. By the time production is finished it will all sound like beeps and boops anyway. Plus she used to date Justin Bieber and she's best friends with Taylor Swift."

Producer #1: "Donezo. Waiter? More caviar."

While we're on the subject, take Taylor Swift: decent voice - not my favorite. BUT she writes her own songs and her music is catchy AF. Totally get the appeal. 

Then there are the likes of Adele and BeyoncĂ© whose voices are so amazing I don't care whether or not they write their own songs. I don't care if they can write their own names. You say this entire album is just 57 straight minutes of you blowing your nose on loop? YES OF COURSE I WILL TAKE FIFTEEN COPIES AT FULL PRICE. 

Is anyone else tracking with me? Am I alone down here in this rabbit hole? 

Selena, if you're reading this, I hope there are no hard feelings since you're reportedly worth $45 million and I can't afford to buy Honeycrisp apples but could you just call me real quick and explain how you did it? 'Cause sometimes I think it would be cool to be a scientist - and by "be a scientist" I really mean I just want to pour brightly colored liquids from one interestingly shaped beaker into another and maybe mix a couple of them together so that they create a different, but equally bright color - but I barely passed chemistry in college and I remember zero percent of what I learned. So I was just wondering if there's a way around that. 

K thanks girrrrl. TTYL.

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