Sunday, January 29, 2017

I...I...I Work Out

Ever since I had kids I have struggled to find a good time to work out.* I know the logical thing to do would be to get up earlier but I'm not a morning person and if you are one of those please don't talk to me.

Just kidding. But seriously.

Besides, my kids are freakishly early risers as it is. We had to get one of those okay-to-wake clocks to convince our three year old to stay in bed longer. She wakes up around 5 and then just lies there staring at it until exactly 6:30 when the light comes on, compelling her to begin yelling as loudly as her little lungs will allow, "MOMMYDADDY MY LIGHT TURNED GREEEEEEEEEEEEEN MOMMYDADDY IT'S GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN MOMMYDADDY -"


(Don't you wish we would adopt you?)

So I'm afraid if I tried to get up earlier they would know. 

They always know. 

The nice thing is that they're getting to an age at which they follow directions well enough that we're starting to be able to do a lot more stuff with them so I thought, you know what? I'll do a workout video after dinner and they can just do it with me! They'll love it! In fact, by creating positive memories of exercising with their mom I will surely be steering them down the path to lifelong health! I AM SUCH A GOOD PARENT!

Of course after trying it I now know that what will actually happen any time they consider working out is that they'll be bombarded with images of the heartless monster in a sweaty topknot who refused to pick them up for 28 whole minutes in a row even though they made their most pathetic HOW COULD YOU DO THIS I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME face and screamed until their heads looked like giant roasted beets.

Mmm beets...a little goat cheese, some pistachios, a little vinaigrette action...ya feel me?

Back to my expectations may have been a hair short of realistic. Guess I can't work out ever okay bye.

* I didn't work out before I had kids either...I slept. MAN I miss that.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Mama Bear

You may or may not know that of the nine personality types on the Enneagram* I am a 9, which is what they call The Peacemaker.

Here's a little excerpt from the type description:
Nines essentially feel a need for peace and harmony. They tend to avoid conflict at all costs, whether it be internal or interpersonal.
Makes me sound like a real hippie. Except when it comes to people messing with my kids...I'm less like a peacemaker and more like a BLOODTHIRSTY WARLORD. Or as the good people of the Enneagram might call it, an eight. Ba-dum CHING! #enneagramjokes (Probably three people will find this funny AND I AM ONE OF THEM.)

Carolina has a "friend" at daycare...we'll call her Brittany. Every day when we ask her what happened at school, she says "Brittany told me she's not my friend anymore" or "Brittany pushed me" or "Brittany told me to shut up".

I have tried countless times to give this kid the benefit of the doubt. Every day I ask,"Did she say she was sorry?" and every day Carolina says no.

It honestly takes everything in me not to reply with "WELL BRITTANY SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE B#@%!" (at least to Carolina - I say this to Gary pretty much daily). But like any okay parent, I usually remind her that we don't treat people that way even if they are mean to us, or tell her to talk to her teacher (because we are not above raising a house full of narcs) or nonchalantly ask if there are any other kids at school she could play with other than Brittany. I'm begging you. ANYONE IN THE WORLD BUT BRITTANY. What about that little girl who eats bandaids? Seems like an agreeable alternative to Brittany.

Nobody warned me we'd be dealing with bullying at three years old. YOU GUYS REALLY DROPPED THE BALL ON THAT ONE. I'm kidding. Sort of. I mean I knew this stuff was coming but I wasn't prepared to have to deal with it so early.

I'm sure by now you've all guessed where this is going - we are of course pulling her out of this daycare immediately. I figure any time a kid starts giving her trouble we'll just move her to a different school. You know what they say: if you run away from your problems fast enough, they will never, ever catch up with you and you'll be happy forever.


*If you've never heard of or taken the Enneagram you should click here and do it so we can talk about it because it is FASCINATING. OOH AND THEN LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST

Saturday, January 14, 2017

The Songs of My Youth

I'm turning 31 next week.

It's bothering me more than I thought it would. I thought 30 was supposed to be the hard one, but at least people make a big deal out of it. Goodbye twenties! Let's go out with a bang! SOMEBODY BUY ME TEN DRINKS!

31 is just like comes 40. Better invest in a comfortable robe and get on with it. 

ANYWAY to get my mind off my own mortality, I made some playlists and I brought enough to share!

THIS ONE has a 90's alternative slash Lilith fair vibe. Strongest memory: When I Come Around by Green Day playing in my mom's turquoise Ford Aerostar on the way home from purchasing a new set of pogs.

THIS ONE is 90s pop/hip hop/R&B. I'm not gonna lie to you guys; there is A LOT of Mariah Carey on it. I will not apologize. And while we're on the subject, I'd like to say that the whole New Year's Eve thing was not her fault. What was she supposed to do? Sing anyway with no idea what key she was in? (Clearly she needs someone like me to stick up for her.) I GOT YOU MARIAH. THEY SET YOU UP GIRL. YOU DO DESERVE A HOLIDAY.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Blogue One


You might not remember me...I used to have a blog and then I had children.

I mean I still have them but they have reached the age at which they sometimes play with each other for five whole minutes in a row, which allows me time to do things like dishes and laundry.


Sometimes as I'm scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and Pinterest I just think to myself MAN, there is just NOT ENOUGH CONTENT. Like what are people even supposed to do online anymore?

Fear not. I am here to fill the gaping void with something totally meaningful.

Or maybe just like 10,000 bitmojis of myself. Stay tuned.